In This Story
There's something I've been hearing a lot lately, usually said with a kind of hesitant self-consciousness:
"I think I'm getting worse at being around people."
Not meaner. Not less caring. Just rustier. Like a skill that hasn't been used in a while and nobody quite noticed until it was needed.
People describe dreading dinners they actually want to attend, going blank during pauses in conversation, or feeling quietly relieved when plans fall through. The people describing this to me are thoughtful, warm, often professionally accomplished adults who genuinely like other people. And yet somewhere along the way, real-time human interaction started to feel like a muscle they're no longer sure how to use.
I've watched this up close. I spend much of my working life around students at a large, diverse university. I’ve noticed a hunger for connection and a simultaneous unease with its unpredictability.
What I've come to believe is that what many of us are experiencing is not social failure. It's something closer to social deconditioning.
Deconditioning, Not Deficiency
Physiologists use the term deconditioning to describe what happens when the body loses stamina through reduced use. Muscles weaken. Endurance drops. None of that means the body is broken—it means the body adapted to a lower level of demand.
Human beings evolved through repeated, embodied exposure to one another—faces, voices, eye contact, touch, and the subtle repair work that happens after misunderstanding. Research on face-to-face interaction, co-regulation, and nonverbal communication suggests these experiences are foundational to emotional well-being and attachment. Coan and Sbarra's Social Baseline Theory argues that human beings are biologically wired to regulate stress and conserve effort through the presence of other people. Social connection is deeply embedded in how our nervous systems function (Coan & Sbarra, 2015).
Yet, time spent in direct social interaction has declined while digital media consumption climbs. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data show that Americans spend little of their day engaged in face-to-face socializing compared with time devoted to media and technology (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2024). This represents a meaningful alteration in the conditions under which social confidence develops.
The epidemiologist in me keeps returning to exposure patterns. Epidemiologists often ask what happens when an exposure becomes widespread enough to subtly influence behavior across a population. The question today may not simply be how much time we spend on screens, but what happens when embodied human interaction becomes a smaller proportion of daily life.
There's something I've been hearing a lot lately, usually said with a kind of hesitant self-consciousness:
"I think I'm getting worse at being around people."
Not meaner. Not less caring. Just rustier. Like a skill that hasn't been used in a while and nobody quite noticed until it was needed.
People describe dreading dinners they actually want to attend, going blank during pauses in conversation, or feeling quietly relieved when plans fall through. The people describing this to me are thoughtful, warm, often professionally accomplished adults who genuinely like other people. And yet somewhere along the way, real-time human interaction started to feel like a muscle they're no longer sure how to use.
I've watched this up close. I spend much of my working life around students at a large, diverse university. I’ve noticed a hunger for connection and a simultaneous unease with its unpredictability.
What I've come to believe is that what many of us are experiencing is not social failure. It's something closer to social deconditioning.
Deconditioning, Not Deficiency
Physiologists use the term deconditioning to describe what happens when the body loses stamina through reduced use. Muscles weaken. Endurance drops. None of that means the body is broken—it means the body adapted to a lower level of demand.
Human beings evolved through repeated, embodied exposure to one another—faces, voices, eye contact, touch, and the subtle repair work that happens after misunderstanding. Research on face-to-face interaction, co-regulation, and nonverbal communication suggests these experiences are foundational to emotional well-being and attachment. Coan and Sbarra's Social Baseline Theory argues that human beings are biologically wired to regulate stress and conserve effort through the presence of other people. Social connection is deeply embedded in how our nervous systems function (Coan & Sbarra, 2015).
Yet, time spent in direct social interaction has declined while digital media consumption climbs. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data show that Americans spend little of their day engaged in face-to-face socializing compared with time devoted to media and technology (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2024). This represents a meaningful alteration in the conditions under which social confidence develops.
The epidemiologist in me keeps returning to exposure patterns. Epidemiologists often ask what happens when an exposure becomes widespread enough to subtly influence behavior across a population. The question today may not simply be how much time we spend on screens, but what happens when embodied human interaction becomes a smaller proportion of daily life.
Even the visible presence of a phone on a table can affect conversation. Research by Przybylski and Weinstein (2013) found that mobile devices can reduce feelings of closeness and empathy during face-to-face interactions.
Most of us do this habitually and entirely without intention. That's what makes it worth noticing.
This is not just a young-adult phenomenon. Adults in their 30s, 40s, and 50s may be experiencing quieter versions of the same thing through remote work, digital convenience, and the gradual replacement of embodied community with efficient substitutes.
This is not a moral failing.
It is adaptation.
Rebuilding Social Stamina
Social deconditioning appears to be reversible.
Like physical conditioning, social stamina is built through repeated exposure rather than sudden transformation. The goal is not to become more outgoing. The goal is to become more comfortable being present.
A few practices may help:
- Start small. A brief conversation with a neighbor, cashier, or colleague can help rebuild comfort with spontaneity and human unpredictability.
- Replace some texts with voice. Research by Seltzer and colleagues (2012) found that hearing another person's voice produced hormonal responses associated with social bonding and stress regulation in ways text-based communication did not.
- Practice undivided attention. Try one conversation each day with your phone completely out of sight. Full attention has become rare enough that people immediately recognize it when they receive it.
- Join activities rather than seek friendships. Humans have always connected while doing things together. Walking groups, volunteer projects, classes, faith communities, and community organizations often create relationships more naturally.
- Reframe discomfort. If being around people feels harder than it once did, resist the temptation to think something is wrong with you. It may simply be evidence that a deeply human capacity is asking to be exercised again.
Many of us exercise our digital reflexes while rarely exercising our social ones.
Yet social confidence, like physical fitness, is strengthened through practice. Every conversation, shared laugh, and moment of undivided attention becomes a small investment in rebuilding social stamina.
You may not be socially anxious as much as socially underexercised.
The path forward is not perfection.
It is practice.
References
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social baseline theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87–91.
Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.
Seltzer, L. J., Prososki, A. R., Ziegler, T. E., & Pollak, S. D. (2012). Instant messages vs. speech: Hormones and why we still need to hear each other. Evolution and Human Behavior, 33(1), 42–45.
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2024). American Time Use Survey Summary.https://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.nr0.htm
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdfMany of us exercise our digital reflexes while rarely exercising our social ones.
Yet social confidence, like physical fitness, is strengthened through practice. Every conversation, shared laugh, and moment of undivided attention becomes a small investment in rebuilding social stamina.
You may not be socially anxious as much as socially underexercised.
The path forward is not perfection.
It is practice.
References
Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social baseline theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87–91.
Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.
Seltzer, L. J., Prososki, A. R., Ziegler, T. E., & Pollak, S. D. (2012). Instant messages vs. speech: Hormones and why we still need to hear each other. Evolution and Human Behavior, 33(1), 42–45.
U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2024). American Time Use Survey Summary.https://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.nr0.htm
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
This story was originally featured on Psychology Today in the Dean's recurring column The Mindful Epidemiologist.